Monday, December 5, 2011

I feel strange...

...and I don’t think it’s the stomach bug that going around… well maybe that might be part of what I feel.. but not all of it.

I feel strangely distant from the baby girl God is going to bring into our lives. 
I have been working for the last 6 months, almost daily, to bring her home.  Applications, biographies, background checks, doctor’s visits, birthmother letter, adoption portfolio… and now- I’m done. Now there is nothing else for me to do… I’m supposed to just wait… As a mother of 2 biological children this waiting, bystander role feels so peculiar.  As my boys grew inside me the bond was tangible and my role was obvious from beginning to end.  Even at the end of each pregnancy, when I could barely move or sleep, I felt connected and needed by the baby.  I find myself wondering now that my work is done how can the bond and feelings be sustained as we wait to be matched ? 

I wonder, is this what some expectant fathers feel like?  Distant, seemingly powerless, waiting? 

Back in September I wrote about having difficulty waiting on the Lord when it came to making decisions.  In that post the Lord brought to mind Psalm 37 which I returned to today for some encouragement.  Today after reading the same passage what really spoke to my heart was the instruction to “Trust in [The LORD] and he will act” and that his desire is for me to “Delight in Him HE will give me the desire of my heart.”  Such a simple concepts but such a weighty charge! 

My Father wants me to TRUST that HE will bring my Ruth home and TRUST that he will prepare my heart to be her mom.

The ugly truth is that I don’t feel like this is possible- I don’t feel like my heart will be ready.  I don't feel useful or helpful at this point.  I don’t feel like my excitement will be sustained through the wait. I don’t feel like it’s possible for me to bond with her without actively working to bring her home.

AND YET… from this moment forward, regardless of how I feel, I will decide to trust Him.   Just like I have to decide to love Niles (on the rare occasion) when I don’t feel like it, I have to decide to trust my Father in His Word. 

So this is the truth I will preach to myself:

I trust in my LORD that he will prepare my heart for a baby I can no longer work to bring home.  I will trust in my LORD that the most useful thing I can do for Ruth is to acknowledge Him and not my own understanding.  I will trust in my LORD that the nesting feeling I desire will come in his perfect timing.  I will delight in Him and trust him to renew my excitement.  I will trust in my LORD believing that he will sustain us, lacking nothing, as we wait for his will to be made perfect.

Thank you all for your continued prayes and support as we enter this faith-building stage of the adoption process!  Please pray with me that our hearts will sing from Psalm 130
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.


Kylie said...

I am with you on this one! Last week I turned to Hebrews to look u something for small group, and I saw this jumping out off the page at me, "And so after WAITING PATIENTLY, Abraham received what was promised." Hebrews 5:15 Waiting and praying with you!

Melissa said...

What came to my mind is that we can't work for our God's love.. it's already there we just have to accept it.. and granted I know nothing about expecting a child.. but often times in life He calls us to be still and He will move. Worst part I think is the being still and waiting patiently..
I'm praying for you and Niles and I know without a shadow of doubt He will accomplish more than we could ever ask or imagine.