Today the quiet seems to taunt me.
Today the doubts and questions seem too loud inside my head.
Today I am tired of jumping out of my skin at the sound of my phone- only to be dissapointed.
It's exhausting to be on "high alert" and we've been there for the last 2 weeks. L was originally planning to deliver her baby last week... and her doctor was initially worried that she wouldn't make it that far. Here we are almost 2 weeks later and everything is quiet. No doctor's appointments this week (they were postponed), no ultrasounds, in fact really no contact with the birthmother other than a text saying she was having car trouble... just quiet.
I know everyone says "the longer the baby cooks, the better..." Yes, this is indeed true. And yes, the Lord will bring this baby at just the right moment... but the more time passes the more I wonder... and unfortunately the more I doubt. I know it's not rational- more time in womb does not equal a birth mother that decides to parent. And yet with each day come doubts and fears in waves... waves like those we experience with the contractions of labor.
When I was in labor with Turner I had a focal point. I would visualize ocean waves cresting and falling against the sand. I would endure the pain visualizing the fall of the wave that was soon to follow the peak of discomfort. With each wave we were closer and closer to his birth...
Unfortunately, visualizing isn't helping me cope with these unique labor pains. I can't tell myself that with each wave of doubts, fears, emotions I'm getting closer to my son...
So what CAN I do? How can I labor well? How can I battle the fears, the really scary ones that creep up in the quiet?
This morning my emailed bible reading was 1 Samuel 16. In this passage King Saul is being tormented by an evil spirit and his servants suggest that the King should find someone to play music for him so that "he will be well" again. Well Saul hears of a young man named David that was a good man and gifted musically and sends for him.
After David's arrival before the King the scriptures say:
And whenever the harmful spirit from God was upon Saul, David took the lyre and played it with his hand. So Saul was refreshed and was well, and the harmful spirit departed from him.
Whether or not these waves of anxiety/fear I am experiencing are "harmful spirits" or simply moments of crisis of faith is unclear. But what is clear to me now is that in the quiet I am more vulnerable. SO like David I WILL SING!
Oh come, let us sing to the Lord;
let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!
2 Let us come into his presence with thanksgiving;
let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise!
3 For the Lord is a great God,
and a great King above all gods. (Psalm 95)
Music that leads my heart to worship the Lord serves me as a SWORD against the doubts and fears. Music enables me to feel closer to the Lord and takes my focus off myself and puts it where it BELONGS.
Today I will endure the wait and BATTLE the doubts in the quiet.
Today I will SING praise to my God!
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 72:36
1 comment:
Amen and Amen sweet sister! Your message is one that echos my exact thoughts, feelings and DECISION to combat all of the "stuff" that comes with our flesh with PRAISE & WORSHIP! The enemy and his legions have no other choice but to FLEE when we worship the Living God! I commit to join you this hour, this day and every day to follow...to sing a little louder, allow my heart to cry out more often and claim HIS WORD for you and pray it over you. God is God. God is Good. God knows and does what is BEST for His children. You are loved.
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