Broken Hearts

I have delayed writing this post... choosing instead to hope that what was happening wasn't real...

But unfortunately we are here... again.

Again a woman that we loved and prayed for has had a last minute change of heart.
Again a baby we have fallen in love with will not be joining our family.
Again we are left broken.
Again we find ourselves asking the Lord why? and begging for his comfort...

So, what happened?

The Friday before K's due date I received a call from her father saying that there was a problem.  He said "K received a text from the birth father and he plans to contest the adoption."  Apparently, the birth father that had been supportive of K's plans to place their baby for adoption had a last second change of heart.  K on the other hand wanted to proceed with the adoption as planned...

We spent the weekend on the phone with K's father, our attorney and her attorney gathering information and making plans.  We were informed by our attorney that the birth father had little (if any) right to contest and we were assured over and over by K's family that what she desired was to move forward.    Niles and I remained committed to helping carry out her plans... even though there was a risk that we would be walking into a legal battle if the birth father moved forward with his threats.  We went to bed Sunday night just asking the Lord to change the birth father's heart and make clear what our next steps should be...

Our answer came in the form of a call on Monday afternoon.  K's father called Niles and work and explained to him that K was afraid of the possibility that our adoption would be contested and result in her baby being raised by the birth father (a 16-year old 10th grader with a difficult home life)... so instead she decided to parent the baby herself.

That's it.  No more discussion.  Just over.


[silence]


Two days, later in a moment of almost desperation to know something I began searching for the birth father online... 
Somehow, with bunny trails of old Myspace pages I found his name and was then able to look him up on Facebook.

...On his page I saw him and I saw the baby.

She was born that day, a sunny Wednesday.  
She looked tiny with a head full of black hair.  
Her name was Clara B.

Knowing that she was born and safe didn't heal the wound in my heart... but in some way it was a step toward closure... a tiny step.

Niles and I emailed K's family that day.  We let them know that our hearts were deeply saddened by the stress and difficulty that caused a change in K's plans and that we committed to supporting K in her decision.  We also asked them to communicate to K that our hearts are saddened but not angry toward her.  We closed the  email letting them know that if circumstances were to change and K decide that she longer wanted to parent that we were able to move at a moment's notice to return to our original plan.


They never responded to our email.


Now what?

Now we grieve.  
Now we sit at the Lord's feet and ask him to comfort our hearts.
Now we take things one day at a time allowing ourselves both  good days and bad days

Now we cling to God's word for strength, trusting that:

Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, 
shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. 
(Psalm 126:5-6)

I don't know what you're doing, but I know who you are

I remember saying to one of my closest friends on the playground a few weeks ago "If this whole thing falls apart and L changes her mind... after all the pink-to-blue and emotions we've been through- will someone be there to hold me up?"  With all the confidence in the world she said "Yes!  We will be there!"

And she was.  And so were many of you reading this blog now.  You were there to hold me up.  You interceded for me and my family when I no longer had the words I needed. You empathized with our sorrow. You understood that although L's baby was never in my tummy or in my arms my heart experienced a great loss when our adoption plan fell apart. 

Thank you for being there. 

I have moved into the acceptance stage of grief... acknowledging that I have NO idea what God is doing, but asserting full faith in WHO he is.  Perhaps the Lord will give me the luxury on this side of heaven to understand the "why?" of this part of our story... but even if he doesn't I will trust that he will work all things out for our good.   The Lord has not left us and in HIM we continue to HOPE! I give glory to the Lord and thanks to his people for getting us through that most difficult and unwanted week-long-vacation. We look forward to coming better days.

This week we are back to our new normal... back to work for Daddy, back to K4 preschool for Turner, back to just-the-two-of us mornings for me and Cal and back to waiting for a birth mother to choose us.  There are moments when the idea of  "waiting again" suffocates me... I worry about enduring all that we did last time all over again... but in those moments Niles reminds me that all adoption stories are different.  That there is no reason to believe next time the wait will be as long nor that it will be as arduous... and if it is, again our FATHER will be there and his people will come along side us.

Again, we look forward to coming better days.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation."

Habakkuk 3

A week later

So, this morning I was accused of being a silent sufferer by a good friend and decided it was time to post again. I've processed quite a bit this week, and will probably make more progress as I write this.

One week ago today, Maria and I were nervous, but crazy excited about meeting our son the next day. We were ready to go: room's finished, little bags packed, ringtones updated as to not freak us out as much when our social worker called, etc. All we had to do was sleep. For me, that was a no brainer. Literally. See, I have what some call a "nothing box" in my mind that I can access at will. When the time is right, I then crawl into this nothing box in my mind where nothing exists except for me and my pillow and sleep. Maria had no such box, and slept very little from what I'm told. You can reference Maria's previous post to see how that next day went. She nailed it. What we hoped would never happen to us, happened.

So, Monday I was pissed-off. Can I say that? Guess I just did. Was I angry with L? No, we love L and want the best for her and her child. But, who can say what's best? I guess that's up to her. And we respect that, as much as we might disagree. I think it was a protective reaction in my heart to this whole fiasco. I wanted to stand up for both the baby and L, but couldn't. Still can't.

Tuesday, I could almost physically feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit in my heart the entire day. What does that feel like? Feels like a wild hope that seems to spring from nowhere and squashes what should be utter pain and disbelief. Maria and I took Turner to preschool and then took Calvin to the Riverwalk. There we had a much-needed cathartic (look it up, I had to) walk, where I was insanely calm and hopeful about everything, and Maria and I talked through everything we could think of regarding the past day. Did we get it wrong somewhere? Should we keep going? What should we be focused on? Why are we having to go through all this?

Here's where we landed: We know for sure that God is sovereign; He's in control of everything. Not in a cliche way of saying it. But really. What has happened is part of his sovereign plan for this world, and our lives. We know for sure that the LORD works all things for his glory. (Isaiah 48:11, Jeremiah 13:11, Ephesians 1:5-6, 12, etc.) And lastly, we know that the praise of God's glory brings us the deepest joy. John Piper says it well in a reflection on Psalm 16:11, "In your presence there is fullness of joy, in your right hand are pleasures for evermore' (16:11). God is after us to give us what is best—not prestige, wealth, or even health in this life, but a full-blown vision of and fellowship with himself." So, to sum it up: God is in control. He loves us. He works for his glory. His glory will bring us the deepest, 

most satisfying joy. So what's should our focus be? What's the end to adoption? Is it the child? I think that we most of the time think it is, or should be. But, maybe our focus needs to be on pursuing our relationship with God, and his will. What does that even mean? Well, right now it means going to Him with our hurt. It means trusting that even though this baby wasn't to be ours, we know that He will be faithful our bringing our baby home. And when he does, well, there will be praise to be sung that day!

But, it's Wednesday, and on Tuesday we found out again over lunch that the adoption was pretty much 100% over. Since you read through that big previous paragraph, you know that the LORD was faithful to comfort our hearts with His truth. So, on Wednesday, Maria went to IKEA for some retail therapy with her Mom and sister, and I stayed home while the boys were napping. Somewhere between reading soccer news and watching The Expendables on Netflix, the reality of this whole thing really started to settle in on me. I began to let my heart out of the fortress of theological truth to really start to feel the weight of this loss. The previous day, Maria and I talked about how Jesus wept over his friend's death, wept the night before his crucifixion, about Job's reaction to all of what befell him, and now it was my turn. But, I was in good company. The weight and effects of sin in this scenario and how it was going to affect my almost-son throughout his life was more than my heart could handle. While Maria was coming home, I was getting our charcoal grill ready for dinner. I sat in front of the random charcoal smoke, drank a beer, and prayed - trying to understand God's plan in this, even down to the smoke coming from the charcoal. But, it's useless trying to figure out these kind of things. So, tears it was, even though I didn't understand, I trust my God who has given me everything, who is everything. 

Thursday, I thought, would be my day to go back to work. By the time I had my clothes on, ready to walk out the door, I knew that having to relive all this at work was a little too real, too fast for my heart. Emotionally unstable is not part of my job description. The rest of Thursday was great! Maria and I had a run/walk/talk again, and were able to process even more together. And even though my legs are still sore, I'm thankful for having such a faithful, mature, and beautiful woman for my wife. 

Friday. Oh, Friday. Yeah, Friday was tattoo day. Maybe that'll be another post. Let's just say Psalm 91:4 was involved. 

Saturday and Sunday were full family days. Days where we tried to get back into the swing of our crazy family as it is right now: coffee, guitars, dinosaurs, lightsabers, Target, Grand-parents, dinner at my boss's house, Redbox, Hulu. We even bought a zoo! Not really, we just went to one, but it was still fun!

And here I am again on Sunday. I'm so thankful for our family, church family, and friends who have been so supportive over this past week. I praise God for his providence in putting all of you my family's life. The prayers for us over this week have been felt more than I can ever remember. I look forward to looking back on this post once our child is home, and praising His name again! 

Now, where's that nothing box...

A Story only the Lord could author

Hold on folks, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

I have a story to tell you, a story that only God could write.

This afternoon, around 2:00, I received a phone call from the Charleston agency we were expecting to hear from on Wednesday. I held my breath, said the quickest prayer of my life (Lord!), and ran out the back door to take the call on the back deck. Denise informed me that the placement committee had decided to meet over the weekend and that she wanted to let me know they had chosen another family.

Hope was not going to be a Ferguson after all.

As she described the family they had chosen I realized what a perfect fit they were. The selection committee chose an African American couple, that had no other children and had a pediatrician in the family. What a beautiful provision for sweet baby Hope! Two parents that could dote on her with their full attention and provide her the necessary medical care should any special needs arrive. They were the perfect fit.

Now I could see how the other family was a perfect fit- but that certainly didn’t mean I FELT like she should grow up with them!

No, I just felt like I forgot how to breathe.

The little baby I was already beginning to love was not coming home.

So after I hung up with Denise, I decided to call my mom and then Niles. Through tears I briefly shared our disappointment. Niles lovingly assured me that we would be OK and I believed him- but I just didn’t feel like it. I then called a couple other close friends to share the sad news. With each call my heart was encouraged by our family in Christ that cried when I cried and grieved when I grieved. They prayed for us and promised to give us space to grieve but said they would be minutes away should we need anything.

With each call the news became more and more difficult to share so I was preparing to send a text to share the news with many that had been praying with us.  Well the thought of that was more than I could handle, so I called Niles and asked him to please come home. Of course he said yes and was on his way in minutes.

Then I just got the idea to call Sharon, the director of our agency in Rock Hill. She was the one that had given us the information about baby Hope. She and I had spoken over the weekend as well while I was a little stir-crazy in my waiting and needed advice. Sharon answered right away and I told her who I was (I’m sure she didn’t recognize my voice with all the snotty, sniffles and tears!). I told her that the other agency had decided to place Hope with another family. I told her how happy I was for Hope but how sad I was for us. She listened so patiently and comforted me. I then started to tell her of my plans to give our portfolio to a local attorney to see if he too could help us look for our baby… then she said:

“Honey, I have news for you that is probably going to change everything.”
To which I replied- “alright I’m ready!”

Then she said
I’m just walking in the door from an appointment with a birth mother and...

SHE PICKED YOU.


I literally fell on the grass in the back yard! It was as though I was in a TWISTED dream and I wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t! Turns out that just an hour before (when I was getting the call about Hope’s new family!) the birth mother had chosen our family for her baby! She was excited about us for a number of reasons but the one Sharon shared with me was because I was Puertorican! As it turns out, she is part Puertorican as well!!

Side note- if you’ve been following this blog since the beginning you know that the FIRST place we felt led to look to adopt from was Puerto Rico! Now I see why that didn’t work out- she was part Puertorican but living in York County!

So from the beginning of my grief to this incredible twist the Lord allowed just over an hour! What immense grace and mercy- what a gift.  A beautiful picture of Psalm 91:4- covering us with his feathers and sheltering us with his wings!

There is so much more to tell, so much more to process. But for now I wanted you all to know that your prayers were answered. Baby Hope is going to grow up in the home the Lord perfectly and sovereignly chose for her. Your prayers for her healing have been heard and the Lord has MOVED AND HEALED! I am convinced that if Niles and I had not been in the running for her placement there might not have been anyone to pray for that sweet baby. And thanks to all of you I am sure hundreds of thousands of prayers were lifted up on her behalf. Thank you for your obedient and faithful prayers. Thank you for hoping with us and for your encouragements. I pray that our story sheds light on the awesomeness of GOD- on his goodness and his steadfast love of his people. To him be ALL GLORY AND HONOR!

And now we have the added joy of being “expectant parents” again! I promise more details soon but for now I will leave you with a tease-

Our baby’s mother has a scheduled c-section on Monday, August 13th!
That’s 49 days from now :)

To Be a Mother Is a Call to Suffer

This sermon, To Be a Mother Is a Call to Suffer, by John Piper, was a perfectly timed reminder of my God's sovereignty today.  I am reminded that He is sovereign over everything- on the good days and the bad.  On the days when we've have heard more whining than we can stand- He is soverign.   During the third week in a row that someone in our home is sick- He is soverign.  On the days the wait for an answered prayer seems too long- He is soverign.  And on the glorious day when we are blessed to receive the desires of your heart- on that day too He is soverign.

Here's a quotation (from the sermon) I hope will encourage you today:

Then Steve Saint looked up at these twelve hundred people and told them the difference between the unbelieving world and the followers of Jesus. He said, "For them, the pain is fundamental and the joy is superficial because it won't last. For us, the pain is superficial and the joy is fundamental."

For all of you who are Mothers and those waiting to be made Mothers, I pray that you feel our Father close by your side today- in joy and in sorrow. 

And as we busily prepare to celebrate the birth of our King I pray God's peace and JOY be with us all.