Broken Hearts

I have delayed writing this post... choosing instead to hope that what was happening wasn't real...

But unfortunately we are here... again.

Again a woman that we loved and prayed for has had a last minute change of heart.
Again a baby we have fallen in love with will not be joining our family.
Again we are left broken.
Again we find ourselves asking the Lord why? and begging for his comfort...

So, what happened?

The Friday before K's due date I received a call from her father saying that there was a problem.  He said "K received a text from the birth father and he plans to contest the adoption."  Apparently, the birth father that had been supportive of K's plans to place their baby for adoption had a last second change of heart.  K on the other hand wanted to proceed with the adoption as planned...

We spent the weekend on the phone with K's father, our attorney and her attorney gathering information and making plans.  We were informed by our attorney that the birth father had little (if any) right to contest and we were assured over and over by K's family that what she desired was to move forward.    Niles and I remained committed to helping carry out her plans... even though there was a risk that we would be walking into a legal battle if the birth father moved forward with his threats.  We went to bed Sunday night just asking the Lord to change the birth father's heart and make clear what our next steps should be...

Our answer came in the form of a call on Monday afternoon.  K's father called Niles and work and explained to him that K was afraid of the possibility that our adoption would be contested and result in her baby being raised by the birth father (a 16-year old 10th grader with a difficult home life)... so instead she decided to parent the baby herself.

That's it.  No more discussion.  Just over.


[silence]


Two days, later in a moment of almost desperation to know something I began searching for the birth father online... 
Somehow, with bunny trails of old Myspace pages I found his name and was then able to look him up on Facebook.

...On his page I saw him and I saw the baby.

She was born that day, a sunny Wednesday.  
She looked tiny with a head full of black hair.  
Her name was Clara B.

Knowing that she was born and safe didn't heal the wound in my heart... but in some way it was a step toward closure... a tiny step.

Niles and I emailed K's family that day.  We let them know that our hearts were deeply saddened by the stress and difficulty that caused a change in K's plans and that we committed to supporting K in her decision.  We also asked them to communicate to K that our hearts are saddened but not angry toward her.  We closed the  email letting them know that if circumstances were to change and K decide that she longer wanted to parent that we were able to move at a moment's notice to return to our original plan.


They never responded to our email.


Now what?

Now we grieve.  
Now we sit at the Lord's feet and ask him to comfort our hearts.
Now we take things one day at a time allowing ourselves both  good days and bad days

Now we cling to God's word for strength, trusting that:

Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, 
shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. 
(Psalm 126:5-6)

Updating

Two Weeks

In just two weeks our home study will expire (more on this below)... In two weeks it will be the one-year anniversary of "approval" by the state of SC to bring home a baby... In two weeks we will have been officially waiting MUCH longer than we ever thought we would to meet our baby girl.


But God.


I'm finding recently that "But God" is one of the most powerful phrases in Scripture.  "But God" usually means God is up to something- often something amazing. 

 But  God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurableriches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. (From Ephesians 2)

but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5)


My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.


Even though we don't yet have our sweet baby home with us, we know that God is up to something amazing.  He is our strength and our greatest joy- even when we don't feel "happy."


So now what?
Now we update!  Everything from our homestudy that is dated must be updated so that we are ready for the phone call we have been dreaming about.  Which means:

• New physicals for all 4 of us
• Updated reference letters
• Updated background checks and child abuse clearances
• A social worker home re-visit
• Updated biography  

For a grand total of many hours and about $475.  Phew.

I'll be honest and say that the realization that I have to do all this again has been difficult.  Last year I was so excited- feeling like each form filled was a step closer to our baby.  This time I don't really feel that way.  A year and difficult experiences later the excitement has waned, replaced with a guarded optimism.

But God is what I keep telling myself- especially when I am discouraged.

Any other news?

There is local young lady that I have been connected with that is considering our family for her baby girl.  We are cautiously optimistic in this situation as she is not working with an agency choosing a private adoption instead.  We beg you to pray for her and her parents and they choose the family that they will place their baby with.  Pray for her as she nears the end of pregnancy that she will be able to cast any fears or anxiety on our Lord- because HE truly cares for her.  We are unsure when she will pick a family but are committed to praying for her either way.  We would be truly honored to parent her baby but trust that the Lord will guide her in her decision.

What can you do?

PRAY!
Please join us in prayer for the woman that will be our baby's birthmother. Pray that she will have the courage and support she will need to make and follow through with an adoption plan. Pray that she and the baby are sheltered under the LORD'S wings during her pregnancy (Psalm 91:4). Pray too that the Lord will continue to provide the necessary funds we will need to offset the costs associated with our adoption.

Send us a Christmas Card
I know that might sound silly... but here's why I would love it if you would: it encourages us so very much to know that you are praying for us and with us.  Seeing your smiling faces on on a door in our home is a beautiful reminder to us that God is for us and his people are covering us with prayer.  Plus I plan to save all of our cards this year to put them in a book for Ruthie.  I want her to know how much we all desired to have her home and how much we thought about her- especially at Christmas.  

Donate!
I mentioned earlier that we currently owe our agency $450 to cover our updates.  In addition our best guess is that the other costs associated with our adoption (agency fees, legal fees, documentation fees etc.) will be in the range of $15,000-$20,000.We are confident that the Lord has called us to welcome home a baby though adoption and that HE will provide all that we need to bring him or her home! If you'd like to be a part of what God is doing in our family please DONATE HERE

If you have any questions, would like our mailing address or just want to email us you can reach us at FergusonAdoption@gmail.com

We love you all!!