Change

Our circumstances have not changed.

... birthmother K remains committed to her last minute plan to parent.  Neither K nor her parents have contacted us since the day before the baby was born.  And today we were told that both attorneys are essentially closing the case and settling accounts payable.  Blah.

Our circumstances haven't changed, but neither has our God.

"I the Lord do not change..." (Malachi 3:6)

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)

A "head knowledge" that God doesn't change doesn't take away the ache in our hearts for the babies we have loved and lost.  Not at all.  

But with each passing day we are renewed in the hope that our infinite, eternal, and unchangeable God has called our family to welcome our daughter through adoption- and in HIS perfect timing she will be home.  We know that this journey is not about finding "a baby"- it is the path to our daughter that the Lord loves more than I do and already knows by name.   

We want to say a most sincere "thank you" to all of you.  We have been overwhelmed by your prayers,  your hugs, your kind messages and your care.  You have helped sustain us, through the love of Christ, like only the body of Christ can.  We can't imagine our life or this journey without Him or you!

We wait expectantly upon the Lord; trusting and believing that He is already doing immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine.

Broken Hearts

I have delayed writing this post... choosing instead to hope that what was happening wasn't real...

But unfortunately we are here... again.

Again a woman that we loved and prayed for has had a last minute change of heart.
Again a baby we have fallen in love with will not be joining our family.
Again we are left broken.
Again we find ourselves asking the Lord why? and begging for his comfort...

So, what happened?

The Friday before K's due date I received a call from her father saying that there was a problem.  He said "K received a text from the birth father and he plans to contest the adoption."  Apparently, the birth father that had been supportive of K's plans to place their baby for adoption had a last second change of heart.  K on the other hand wanted to proceed with the adoption as planned...

We spent the weekend on the phone with K's father, our attorney and her attorney gathering information and making plans.  We were informed by our attorney that the birth father had little (if any) right to contest and we were assured over and over by K's family that what she desired was to move forward.    Niles and I remained committed to helping carry out her plans... even though there was a risk that we would be walking into a legal battle if the birth father moved forward with his threats.  We went to bed Sunday night just asking the Lord to change the birth father's heart and make clear what our next steps should be...

Our answer came in the form of a call on Monday afternoon.  K's father called Niles and work and explained to him that K was afraid of the possibility that our adoption would be contested and result in her baby being raised by the birth father (a 16-year old 10th grader with a difficult home life)... so instead she decided to parent the baby herself.

That's it.  No more discussion.  Just over.


[silence]


Two days, later in a moment of almost desperation to know something I began searching for the birth father online... 
Somehow, with bunny trails of old Myspace pages I found his name and was then able to look him up on Facebook.

...On his page I saw him and I saw the baby.

She was born that day, a sunny Wednesday.  
She looked tiny with a head full of black hair.  
Her name was Clara B.

Knowing that she was born and safe didn't heal the wound in my heart... but in some way it was a step toward closure... a tiny step.

Niles and I emailed K's family that day.  We let them know that our hearts were deeply saddened by the stress and difficulty that caused a change in K's plans and that we committed to supporting K in her decision.  We also asked them to communicate to K that our hearts are saddened but not angry toward her.  We closed the  email letting them know that if circumstances were to change and K decide that she longer wanted to parent that we were able to move at a moment's notice to return to our original plan.


They never responded to our email.


Now what?

Now we grieve.  
Now we sit at the Lord's feet and ask him to comfort our hearts.
Now we take things one day at a time allowing ourselves both  good days and bad days

Now we cling to God's word for strength, trusting that:

Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, 
shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. 
(Psalm 126:5-6)

The day I met your birth mother

I never want to forget the details of today.  One day my Ruthie will ask me about the first time I met her birth mother and I want to be able to paint her a picture...

It was a cold and rainy Tuesday.  We were the first to arrive.  We were nervous- big time.  We ordered our drinks, switched seats several times and finally settled on the spot that would be best to have as private a conversation as possible.

After a few minutes we saw her arrive with her father and instantly knew we were seeing "K" for the first time.  They came in, apologized for being a few minutes later than expected and we all said our first time hellos.  I said hello, came around the table and hugged her.   My thoughts were all over the place in that moment- something like this:  "She is so beautiful.... She is so tiny...  Her hair is wet... Her eyes are so beautiful...  She is so young... She smells like sweet shampoo...I think she's nervous... she looks like family..." and that was just the first 5 seconds...

Then all 4 of us, nervous as can be, sat down.  None of us knew for sure where to begin, or how to normalize this most abnormal meeting.  Niles began by telling K and her father that we were willing to share with them anything they would like to know about us...and the conversation slowly began rolling from there.

The specifics of the conversation I won't be able to share here... but I can say that in their words I felt a deep love for K's baby.  Her father tearily and honestly shared the difficulty and grief their family has been experiencing as they have walked this journey- and it broke my heart.  I wished I could say "just the right thing" that would make everything better.  I wished that I could take away the hurt and somehow make this easy for them- but of course I can't.  In adoption there is always pain- and we know that only the Lord can bring healing and restoration.

Niles and I left the coffee shop both excited and heavy-hearted.  We felt that K and her family were confident in their decision to place her baby with our family (K even asked me if I'd like to go to one of her doctor's appointments with her!).  We were  also burdened with the knowledge that their decision, when carried out, will hurt them deeply.

We ask that you would please pray with us for K and her family.  Pray that they will feel the wings of the Lord wrap around them even now.  That He will give them comfort and confirmation in their decision that they need.  Pray that they will experience and believe the truth found in Psalm 34:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

We are grateful for another opportunity to see the Lord move and work. 
Even in the heaviness of the day we are thrilled to be another day closer to bringing our baby girl home!

Over the moon

She. picked. US!!


Sorry!  I couldn't wait any longer.   No witty-delayed beginning to this post.

Just days before the anniversary of our original home study approval we received the call we have been dreaming about for the last year and a half...

Me: "Hello?" 

And she said "Hi! I wanted to call and congratulate you.  My parents and I have picked you guys."  

That's it!  Two tiny sentences that will change our lives forever.


But I should probably start from the beginning:

(Note: to protect our precious friend/potential birth mother and respect her privacy I won't be able to give you too many specific details about her.  I look forward to the day that I can!)

Ok so onto the story.

Last March Niles and I practically inhaled a book given to us about a birth mother and her journey to and through adoption.  After reading the book (in less than 1 day!) we both felt like contacting the author to thank her for her story.  She kindly responded and we began corresponding occasionally- especially around the time we met our first (potential) birth mother "L". 

Then on October 26th I received a message from her saying she had been contacted by a "friend of a friend" who knew of a young girl that was looking to place her baby... Then the message read: "Are you still looking to adopt?"

With my heart beating 100 mph I thanked her and responded with "Absolutely!" and sent along my contact information.  

It seemed like such a long shot... a friend of a friend of a friend... but we said yes- of course!  I sent messages out to all the prayer warriors in my life and asked them to pray for this young girl and for everyone in her life.  That day I remember being so excite that I was excited.  It had been so long since I had felt that way about our adoption journey...

Two weeks later we heard back that the young girl was having a GIRL and that she would be contacting potential families in the near future to place her baby.  YAY!  A Girl!

November 20th I heard from my friend (the author) that the young girl would be interviewing families after the holidays... only to get a call a few hours later saying "she might call you today!"  And call she did!  I heard "K's" voice for the first time that evening just moments after sitting down to dinner.  We chatted for a bit getting to know each other.  She shared with me how her pregnancy was going, how school was going and a desire to get to know my family better.  After a 5-10 minute conversation we agreed that I would send her our adoption portfolio... then I hung up and exhaled.  Phew!  

We reviewed all our portfolio, we wrote her a letter, we prayed and we sent it off the next day.

And since that day we've waited. and we've prayed.  and we've waited and prayed some more.

Then, on Monday evening, December 10th, sweet K called us...
Niles had just arrived home so I was able to step outside when my phone told me who was calling.  Just seconds into the call she said the beautiful words "I want to congratulate you.  My parents and I chose you guys."  I was in complete SHOCK.  I was expecting to hear that they had more questions for us or that they needed to clarify a few things... but this was amazing!  By God's grace I didn't faint.  By God's grace I was able to maintain my composure and share with her how happy her decision made us... then I had the complete pleasure to come back inside to tell the love of my life that we were going to have a baby girl!  We had been picked!

Ahh!

Many of you reading this post have prayed with us for K and her family- and we are ever so grateful.  I can only imagine the difficult and overwhelming task it would be to #1 choose to place your child for adoption and #2  to choose a family.  I am so grateful for her parent's help, for the wise counsel of my author friend and for the prayers that were lifted up for all those involved.  Please know that your prayers have been both powerful and effective!  

We are seriously over the moon excited!

Many more details to follow... but for now we are happy to announce that we cautiously optimistic that our Ruthie will be joining our family some time around March 3rd, 2013!

To GOD alone be all glory, honor and praise!

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17