Broken Hearts

I have delayed writing this post... choosing instead to hope that what was happening wasn't real...

But unfortunately we are here... again.

Again a woman that we loved and prayed for has had a last minute change of heart.
Again a baby we have fallen in love with will not be joining our family.
Again we are left broken.
Again we find ourselves asking the Lord why? and begging for his comfort...

So, what happened?

The Friday before K's due date I received a call from her father saying that there was a problem.  He said "K received a text from the birth father and he plans to contest the adoption."  Apparently, the birth father that had been supportive of K's plans to place their baby for adoption had a last second change of heart.  K on the other hand wanted to proceed with the adoption as planned...

We spent the weekend on the phone with K's father, our attorney and her attorney gathering information and making plans.  We were informed by our attorney that the birth father had little (if any) right to contest and we were assured over and over by K's family that what she desired was to move forward.    Niles and I remained committed to helping carry out her plans... even though there was a risk that we would be walking into a legal battle if the birth father moved forward with his threats.  We went to bed Sunday night just asking the Lord to change the birth father's heart and make clear what our next steps should be...

Our answer came in the form of a call on Monday afternoon.  K's father called Niles and work and explained to him that K was afraid of the possibility that our adoption would be contested and result in her baby being raised by the birth father (a 16-year old 10th grader with a difficult home life)... so instead she decided to parent the baby herself.

That's it.  No more discussion.  Just over.


[silence]


Two days, later in a moment of almost desperation to know something I began searching for the birth father online... 
Somehow, with bunny trails of old Myspace pages I found his name and was then able to look him up on Facebook.

...On his page I saw him and I saw the baby.

She was born that day, a sunny Wednesday.  
She looked tiny with a head full of black hair.  
Her name was Clara B.

Knowing that she was born and safe didn't heal the wound in my heart... but in some way it was a step toward closure... a tiny step.

Niles and I emailed K's family that day.  We let them know that our hearts were deeply saddened by the stress and difficulty that caused a change in K's plans and that we committed to supporting K in her decision.  We also asked them to communicate to K that our hearts are saddened but not angry toward her.  We closed the  email letting them know that if circumstances were to change and K decide that she longer wanted to parent that we were able to move at a moment's notice to return to our original plan.


They never responded to our email.


Now what?

Now we grieve.  
Now we sit at the Lord's feet and ask him to comfort our hearts.
Now we take things one day at a time allowing ourselves both  good days and bad days

Now we cling to God's word for strength, trusting that:

Those who sow in tears will reap with shouts of joy!
He who goes out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, 
shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him. 
(Psalm 126:5-6)