During the months we were matched with birthmother "L" my mind, my emotions and even my spirit were in a constant state of flux. Some moments I felt confident that our dreams were coming true. Other moments I felt sure that things were going to fall apart. As I rode the wave of my emotions I hungered for something "stable"- something unchanging.
During those months I would pray and ask the Lord to remove my anxiety and replace the roller coaster of emotions with steadiness. It was at some point in the last few weeks when I heard the Lord whisper the word...
steadfast
to my heart.
As is my normal reaction, initially I understood the word to be a sort of "reprimand". As though the Lord was saying:
"Maria, Ye of little faith! You should be trying harder to be steadfast"
After hearing that lie in my head for a bit I decided to go to God's Word for clarification. When I began looking up the word steadfast in my bible I was honestly surprised to find that it was seldom used as a command!
What I found in the Old Testament in passage after passage was that used "steadfast" to describe the LOVE God has for his people. Here is an example from Exodus:
The Lord passed before him (Moses) and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, 7 keeping steadfast love for thousands,[a] forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation.”
And another from the 25th Psalm
All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.
The 33rd Psalm is even titled The Steadfast Love of the Lord!
In the New Testment I found encouragement in James that these crazy up and down days I was experiencing would produce steadfastness in me.
Count it all joy, my brothers,[b] when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
I slowly came to understand that the Lord wasn't "fussing" at me in my emotional instability... instead he was assuring me that no matter how I felt HIS love was STEADFAST for me. He promised in Lamentations that his steadfast love would endure FOREVER... so I trusted and I clung to the truth.
I believed that no matter how circumstances played out with "L" God would be there to ground me in the truth of his steady and unchanging love. I trusted too that he would use this crazy time of turmoil to give me steadfastness...
And he was faithful to his promise.
When I was mad at him- he loved me.
When I questioned- he loved me.
When I cried- he loved me.
When I doubted his love for me- he loved me still.
Today the Lord is whispering a new word to my heart...
restore.
Stay tuned for more on that precious word in coming days...
Father, I thank you for your steadfast love.
Amen.
